I don't believe that there is a worse feeling than being rejected. Well maybe there is, but for me it is the worst feeling. I am not talking about the kind of rejection for not getting into a program or a job or anything like that, those things are usually only surface deep rejections. They depend only on your skill set, experience or style, all of which are easy to change. The rejection I am talking about is the rejection of you, in relationships.
Its the rejection that happens when you lose friends, or a romantic intrest, or a partner of some kind. The kind that looks at you, sees you, knows you and then decides you are not worthy. Its the kind where you are judged for your character, personality and everything you are, it is taking that and saying you aren't that special, you are not worth hanging around anymore. This is the kind of rejection I am talking about, the kind that cuts to your soul and leaves it bleeding for a while. Its the pain of having been found unworthy to someone that you care deeply about and knowing that they actually don't like you, because you are you. I can't think of anything worse than that, because we all want to be loved and accepted, but when we are not, that cuts deep to places that cause permanent damage.
Its sad really. We all want to be loved and accepted, but we are unwilling to love and accept others. A lot of pain and social problems people have is due to being rejected and the damage that has caused. It is interesting that we try to find a way out of being rejected or justifying the rejection. We either build us up to be greater than we are, or we tear down the other person to make them smaller. Either way as long as your self esteem is in tact that is all that matters.
I don't believe in that, because that is only helping the cycle. It is a way of rejecting someone for rejecting you. That does nothing. You learn nothing from that, but to build up walls and self defense so that you can't be hurt again. Yet that is the challenge is it not. To give of yourself, to give all of yourself and all of who you are in everyday without being dishonest and without doing it to gain something.
I have done that twice in my life. Both times ended in disaster and in great pain. Both have caused damage that I can only pray will get healed one day. It only feeds my desire to close off to build up walls to hate people and their ways, to distance myself and to be alone forever. If I do that I will be safe, I will be safe and no pain will ever come to me again and I will not get hurt. However I will be the most bitter miserable person on the face of the earth if I do that. So I can't. As much as I desire to as much as the pain hurts and how easy it could be, I can't. I can't because of one true fact that remains true for the completeness of time. God hasn't done that to me.
I think of myself being rejected when I was completely myself and completely who I could be and then found unwanted. It makes me question myself and the kind of person I am and what I lack and how i could be better, because if I was better this would have never happened. If I was more this or that, if I fit into what they wanted more then maybe I wouldn't get hurt maybe I wouldn't be here where I am at. Maybe.... The pain it hurst so much and it is deeper than anything I have felt before, so I need an explanation and I need a reason and that reason must be me. Right?
However I look at my relationship with God. The God that is. How good has he been to me and how many times has his goodness wanted to be showered on me, but I have rejected it. I have rejected it, trusting not in his goodness, trusting not that he cares or loves me, but in what I think. After all I know me, so how could I not know what is best.
I don't reject God because he is not good and amazing, I reject God because of other reasons. I think about God being where I am at and if God feels pain, it must really hurt him when I do reject him. How many times has he been where I am at... more than I can think of. Yet God still gives of himself and still continues to be who he is: good. This is why I can't build up my walls and distance myself from people, because God shows this to me and when I dwell upon it, my heart only wants to do that with others.
Yes there is pain in life and yes there is suffering and a lot of injustice, but with all that we can't stop being ourselves we can't stop giving every time we are hurt. If we do that, we let the suffering and the pain win, we let injustice rule. We must keep giving through the pain and through the crap, just like God has done for us.
For me I will never understand why I was rejected. To me it just does not make any sense. I feel the pain and I feel it deeply and will feel it for a while. But I won't stop giving of myself and being who I am, just because one person has rejected it.
