Settled

I am starting to feel

Settled

Just a little.

I like this feeling.

Everyday that I am here, I enjoy it more and more. It's not because I am adjusting well or that I am awesome, even though both are true. I think it is I am seeing GOd in a better light and asking myself once again to look at God and view Him as he is, not as I want him to be. To look and see my situation, not as I want to see it or try to construct it in how I think it would be ideal, but in what God is doing in and through it. To see him work and to see him move.

I have been recently convicted of my excessive talk. Not all the stupid stuff that comes out of my mouth or the swearing, but the excessive talk about God and life. All the philosophizing that I do, that is just rubbish. Maybe I should think less and that will help me speak less. However God convicted me. I am done talking about God and Christianity as a lifestyle. I want to live it and experience it. I want God to move and have power in my life. I want to see crazy shit that GOd does. Just crazy.

There is that heart head disconnect and I would rather have heart than head now.

Failed

I have failed. I failed my first class ever in the history of my existence. I have never failed in life before. I seriously have always been good at school, but now I am no longer good at it apparently, cause I had to withdraw from my Calculus class. That is right after two years between my last calculus class my grade went from a B on a linear path to D. Some might say there is hope and I could raise it. However after two test the grade is a D, and that is out of 3 total test for the whole course, which means that more than half of the points are in and there is no way that I could make it a C or better. I think I will have better luck next semester. If not well I don't know what I will do with my life, but I know God has it figured out. Thank Jesus for summer school as well, cause then I wouldn't be out of this school thing for a while.

It is funny I really wanted to go back to school and was really excited to do it, but I am finding that my straight A record is being demolished and I have become stupid. I don't know if I would say that, but I feel really dumb. But even if I am dumb I know that this is where I meant to be and where God wants me to be.

Yet in all this I would say that I am learning to give grace to myself and not be so hard and be so perfectionistic. After all Reverse Culture shock, Lifestyle change and shitty roommate situation, being two years away from school and forgetting everything.... I think it is fair to say that I am doing alright. I know C's and B's aren't my average and what I usually do, but under these circumstances I am happy that I am passing at all. I need to have grace, cause God has grace on me and I need to have grace for me. I know that I am my own toughest critic, but I need to stop. I need to live in grace.

Though at times like these I sit and wonder if this is really what God wants me to do. If I am indeed meant to pursue a career as a Chemical Engineer. I have to say that I risked a lot coming here and I risked so much to make sure that I could finish this. I am finding out that life is not that easy and it takes a ton of work. It just sucks cause I feel like i am getting my groove on again with studying and being in school, but it is a little to late. Oh well.