Depression

I am in one of the worst spots in my life and I don't know why. I shouldn't be I should be happy and pleased with what God has done and what he has given me, but in the end I am not. No matter what I do or say nothing seems to get better for me nothing seems to improve and life just keeps shitting on me. I have no control and I do not control anything, but am subject to whatever happens.

My life so far is living in a place I can't call home or actually be myself or express myself. Where my roommates talk to their friends about how big of a 23 year old loser I am, who is creepy and keeps to himself. I aparently am hated by them. There is always tension and always something that is akward between us. I cna't even hold a conversation with them. I am more like a stanger in their house and I don't ever feel like I am at home. I spend more time at school so I don't have to spend time here. I can't use the living room and the kitchen with out some comment or some weird look. I don't have a home and I can't be myself here. I can't. I get accused of things and yelled at for things that are not my fault since the day I got here. I can't handle coming to a place that is not safe and is a home. I can't take living in a hotel for a year or even half a year. I can't take it. I just can't.

The first week i got here I have been praying that God would provide me with a new place that by October I would know what was going to happen and that by December i would move out. Well it is the end of October and nothing has happened. God has not moved and looks like he won't move. Does he not see? Can he not hear my prayers? I know that "everything will work out", but when does life never work out. When? It always does, there is always some resolution. Yet I see God not moving and I see him not doing anything. He isn't speaking, he isn't moving and the situation I am in and the lack of his action makes me grow to hate him a little. I know that it is wrong to hate him and everyone will feel as if I am the one at fault and maybe I am, but how does that excuse God from not doing something and not speaking? I don't think it does.

Which gets me to the main point. I am here alone, out of place, depressed and angry. I hate where I am at. I have tried and am trying to fit and to make this work. I believe this is where God has called me for this time, but I am beginning to believe this less and less. I am alone and I feel so out of place. It is really hard for me to describe and it is hard for me to pin point specifics. I just don't get some people and I don't understand somethings that they do. It is like my friend said...I have outgrown my culture. I have, but what does that mean? What do I do then? I am alone I can't connect and i want to connect and I want to have good friends, but I just can't seem to conect with anyone or do anything right.

Feeling out of place and not connecting has made me feel really alone. I feel like i have to change in order for people to like me and in order to fit in and I can't fully express myself. Plus having a home in where I am unable to express myself just adds to the loneliness and me depressed.

On top of all this I am not good at school anymore. I have outgrown it too, maybe. I suck at it. I don't even know if I will pass my classes. I am failing at that. There is just all these things that add up and I am failing at all of them. People tell me to look to Christ and God, but how can I when God hasn't done anything while i have been here?

Where is his comfort? Where is his hand moving? Where are his words? Where is his love? I know God loves me, but the lack of movement is killing my belief in it. Really God loves me so much that he will just let me be stuck here? He loves me so much that he can do anything, but isn't because he love me so much? How am I suppose to view my situation how am I suppose to see it.

Positive they say positive. Well give me a couple of positive things about this situation. Oh wiat there really aren't any. There is little positive when it is compared to what is actually happening. How am I suppose to cling to the positive.

The bottom line for me is if God isn't going to move then I will. I don't care i don't want to be here and even if he has called me here, then I am not staying with these conditions. I am not staying here. I don't care if that is disobedience. If i can end my pain and sorrow and be free from it, why should I not do it? Why should I sit in it and try to make up a reason or pretend that God has a reason that I am here. If God's reason for me being here is for me to hate him...Well he sure is winning and knows what he is doing.

God says he will never leave us or forsake us, but I am pretty sure that he keeps us at arms length.

My problem is with God and him not doing anything. Him not listening and him not comforting. I try to find hope, but how can I find hope in a God who hasn't shown that he cares and that there is a reason to hope. What should my hope be in and what should my hope be for?

I hate my situation I really really hate it. God apparently doesn't care and I am here alone with no one and nothing.

Groups

The other night I hung out with some new people. Most of them were from Texas and they moved here in July to help out with the church I am a member of now, to learn about church planting and see if they want to plant one. It was awkward and uncomfortable, partly because I didn't really know anyone and the people I went with I barely knew. It was interesting to observe though. This is what I saw and experienced. Not just with this group, but also other groups.

1) Groups that are formed are hard to break into unless you know one or two of the people well, or if the group is small enough to allow for one to one conversations.

2) Groups have inside jokes, gags and things they all can relate too, not being able to relate to them makes it impossible to become a part of the group. (For this group they all worked at the same place and had inside jokes about it...I could not relate)

3) Without relating to them it is hard and almost impossible to share in and be a part of the conversation...which results in people thinking you are not enjoying yourself or are bored.

4) Groups are not very inviting to new people. They don't exhert a lot of effort to let them join in or in getting to know them.

5) There is always a funny guy in the group who draws attention to himself, which creates an atmosphere that doesn't allow too many other conversations outside of him...I could be wrong about this and maybe sometimes I am this guy.

I find this interesting. Groups don't like to add new people and it takes a while for the new person to be added and apart of the group. Yet as Christians I believe it is the most important part, whether they are fellow believers or non-believers I believe that this is one of the biggest parts of being a Christian to including people and strangers into belonging and being a part of a group and inviting them in. Without this it just seems like another clique or club in which you have to be a certain way in order to join. This is love and this is a part of what loving others is all about inviting them in and knowing them and accepting them for where they are at and who they really are through God's eyes.

Reminds me of the verse in John after Jesus is washing his disciples feet and he says that this is how they will know you are my disciples by how you love one another. I want to learn to love others and to love them well

Am I from another planet?

(This is a jumbled processing blog post)


Learning to be a Christian in America is hard. It is like...another world. I think the hardest part about it, is that it is a cultural thing in America. It would be just as hard to be a Muslim in a Muslim country. How can you be a good true Muslim when all your laws pretty much make you be a Muslim? Or all the Social expectations and norms force you to be one as well?

How am I suppose to live in the States as a Christian? I feel though as if there is a complication to it as well, since there is a generation, my generation, that has grown up in the church and is now trying to redefine what it means and looks like. There is this subtle rebellion against things of old and striving for this "back to community and basics" idea. Much like trying to live like they lived in the 1st century. What i have seen in this is a slight revolt for things of Definitions and structures.

What I have seen is everyone wanting things to be "Organic". Though I am not sure what they mean by that. I am assuming it is a sense of things happening on a more day to day basses and there is not this 'going out of the way' to have something happen. I believe that is what it means. Though I don't know if I agree with it, but maybe I do to an extent. The reason is that i believe that we have to 'go out of the way' to make things organic. How else to you build relationships and know people, unless you make time in your schedule, that meeting and that conversation just won't happen. It takes me going out of the way to an extend, but does that not make it organic? I don't know. Even conversations aren't really organic, you have to go out of the way a bit to ask those tough questions and to get to the heart of people, to see what is going on. That is how I see it at least. Than agian I could be wrong and I turely just want understanding.

To be a bit honest I find it sad that there is this sense that we have to redefine things and make things our own in this generation. I think there is a lot of good from it, in terms of community and in terms of wanting to follow Jesus with a true authentic faith. Yet I don't like sometimes how it is done and how some things there is a heavy stance against it, like structure and wanting to do things. The actions of doing something constantly is not legalism, but putting those things above Christ and replacing him with them is legalism. More of a heart problem than an action problem. In reality I believe we are all legalists to an extent, just because we might not have rules in a traditional sense doesn't mean that we don't have any. Like if everything is to be organic, but I think things should be more structured, then the legalism is saying that, that is wrong and it can only be organic. In either case the point isn't the things within themselves, but having those things point us toward Christ. Having one way won't work, or does it? There is only one way to God....Jesus Christ, so maybe there is only one way to do things, but then again God doesn't seem to do the same thing in the same way all the time. Not everyone is called to him in the same way. (Sorry for the tangent)

I just don't believe that things being more organic or more structured is key, but in the situation you find yourself the question should be, which one will lead me the closest to Christ?

I also need to think more about this lack of definition thing as well as there is a lot of assumption within the definition. Sometimes i don't know what you mean, but you assume that I do.

"Please don't ask me to let go, its to hard to let go"

I find myself in a weird spot these days. I border on depression. At least I think I do. I try to convience myself that I am doing fine and that I am adjusted. However I find that I am not okay and that I am not adjusted. I like to think I am, but I am not.

See I have spent the last two years of my life abroad doing missionary work. It wasn't anything hardcore or crazy, but life changing. Its weird to think about it now. It's hard to think about it now. Somedays it feels like a dream I had the night before and nothing real ever came from it and I am the only one that knows about it. Other days I long to be back there living in a way that is not the norm, but exciting, challenging and hard. There are the few days that it seems like the time is complete and it was good. Most days feel like the first.

I am not quite sure what happened during this time. I do, but I couldn't put it into words or formulate it for people. It is always hard to answer questions from people about it, but not as hard as when people ask no questions about it. There seems to be two cases. One; people ask and I don't know how to respond or I do and it wasn't what they were looking for. Two; they never ask and treat it as if the time never happened and are not at all curious. This has had me question a lot about what I am suppose to do about it. I feel like i either have to identify myself with it or I should try to ignore it. I feel like the past two years are like the family member you don't really want people to know you have. Like do I tell everyone so they all understand or do I ignore it, so I won't be embarrassed. That is how I feel about sharing or letting people know. Though I still haven't figured out how to share and tell without seeming arrogant or the guy that "always brings up when he did this". But I find it hard not to reference things during that time, after all it was apart of my life and how am I not suppose to let people know. I wish there was an easier way to share and to connect with people about it. I have found some comfort with others who have done the same, but most others it is like this big canyon.

The hardest part, thee most difficult part for me is.............I still want to be doing it. There is huge tension with this, cause there is nothing I would rather do than to be a missionary full time in another country for the rest of my life. It is such a burning desire on my heart and it is a fire that burns stronger and stronger everyday. But I find myself at school, wanting and longing to be free of it, even though I just begun. I know I am suppose to be here, I mean I spent hours upon hours upon hours praying about what to do and what not to do and thinking and wrestling with God in it. I know I am here and this is where God has me. I guess, now that I am thinking about it, thee hardest part of being here is not knowing why I am here or not yet seeing what God is going to do while I am here in me and through me, but all for Him.

It has only been a couple of months in this new place, but I feel as if I should have more friends, closer friends and have talked to more people about Jesus. Maybe I should listen to Tirzah and not be too hard on my self, expecting things that should be done to be done before the thought of them was done. I see all the good that God is doing and all the people I have met and talked to and I should realize that this is going to take time and it is not going to be instant or even what I expect.

Partly my struggle as of lately and more tangibly has been my housing situation. I don't know what I was thinking about signing that lease. I look back now and I should have not done it, but I did. I live in a place with two people of different lifestyles and ways of thinking....aka Frat boy and Sorority Girl. It has been a good learning experience to see how other people think and how they live. However it has been a most saddening learning experience, to see how the world in America works and what the everyday gods are and how people take in what TV tells them and never questions. However the hardest part is the lack of sleep, but beyond that it is a place that I am not able to call fully my home. It is more like a hotel room with two other people, whom don't really talk to me. The worst part is that I really want a home to be hospitable in and to invite people in and for it to be a place that is safe and for the use of bringing people closer to God. I know it sounds crazy, but there is nothing better than inviting people into your home letting them see how you live and making them feel at home, by loving on them. I so badly want to do that, but unfortunately in my situation I can not. This bring up the struggle.....I have lost hope and faith in God delivering me from this situation and have found myself putting more faith and hope into the situation being changed in December than that of Christ and God. Like my hope is in a new place in December rather than in Christ and what he has done. I also have found that God has not answered my prayer yet and that because of that I will be stuck and he left and forgot me. It has done such a stupid thing to my view of God and I really should correct this. I want to, but I have found the lack of motivation to change it. I really want nothing more than to be entirely dependent on God, but I would have to let go of the idea that I will be getting a new place in December and have to live with the reality that I could be there for a year because that is where God wants me.

This reminds me of a song verse "Please don't ask me to let go, it's to hard to let it go." And that is where I find myself.

This Blog

I don't know what it is, but I find that I need an outlet for my thoughts. A place for them to be out there, real and written. A place for them to be messy and not organized and thought provoking. A place for scribbling and a place for randomness. A place that is just out there and will be over looked. That is what I want this to be. I hope no one will discover.