I find myself in a weird spot these days. I border on depression. At least I think I do. I try to convience myself that I am doing fine and that I am adjusted. However I find that I am not okay and that I am not adjusted. I like to think I am, but I am not.
See I have spent the last two years of my life abroad doing missionary work. It wasn't anything hardcore or crazy, but life changing. Its weird to think about it now. It's hard to think about it now. Somedays it feels like a dream I had the night before and nothing real ever came from it and I am the only one that knows about it. Other days I long to be back there living in a way that is not the norm, but exciting, challenging and hard. There are the few days that it seems like the time is complete and it was good. Most days feel like the first.
I am not quite sure what happened during this time. I do, but I couldn't put it into words or formulate it for people. It is always hard to answer questions from people about it, but not as hard as when people ask no questions about it. There seems to be two cases. One; people ask and I don't know how to respond or I do and it wasn't what they were looking for. Two; they never ask and treat it as if the time never happened and are not at all curious. This has had me question a lot about what I am suppose to do about it. I feel like i either have to identify myself with it or I should try to ignore it. I feel like the past two years are like the family member you don't really want people to know you have. Like do I tell everyone so they all understand or do I ignore it, so I won't be embarrassed. That is how I feel about sharing or letting people know. Though I still haven't figured out how to share and tell without seeming arrogant or the guy that "always brings up when he did this". But I find it hard not to reference things during that time, after all it was apart of my life and how am I not suppose to let people know. I wish there was an easier way to share and to connect with people about it. I have found some comfort with others who have done the same, but most others it is like this big canyon.
The hardest part, thee most difficult part for me is.............I still want to be doing it. There is huge tension with this, cause there is nothing I would rather do than to be a missionary full time in another country for the rest of my life. It is such a burning desire on my heart and it is a fire that burns stronger and stronger everyday. But I find myself at school, wanting and longing to be free of it, even though I just begun. I know I am suppose to be here, I mean I spent hours upon hours upon hours praying about what to do and what not to do and thinking and wrestling with God in it. I know I am here and this is where God has me. I guess, now that I am thinking about it, thee hardest part of being here is not knowing why I am here or not yet seeing what God is going to do while I am here in me and through me, but all for Him.
It has only been a couple of months in this new place, but I feel as if I should have more friends, closer friends and have talked to more people about Jesus. Maybe I should listen to Tirzah and not be too hard on my self, expecting things that should be done to be done before the thought of them was done. I see all the good that God is doing and all the people I have met and talked to and I should realize that this is going to take time and it is not going to be instant or even what I expect.
Partly my struggle as of lately and more tangibly has been my housing situation. I don't know what I was thinking about signing that lease. I look back now and I should have not done it, but I did. I live in a place with two people of different lifestyles and ways of thinking....aka Frat boy and Sorority Girl. It has been a good learning experience to see how other people think and how they live. However it has been a most saddening learning experience, to see how the world in America works and what the everyday gods are and how people take in what TV tells them and never questions. However the hardest part is the lack of sleep, but beyond that it is a place that I am not able to call fully my home. It is more like a hotel room with two other people, whom don't really talk to me. The worst part is that I really want a home to be hospitable in and to invite people in and for it to be a place that is safe and for the use of bringing people closer to God. I know it sounds crazy, but there is nothing better than inviting people into your home letting them see how you live and making them feel at home, by loving on them. I so badly want to do that, but unfortunately in my situation I can not. This bring up the struggle.....I have lost hope and faith in God delivering me from this situation and have found myself putting more faith and hope into the situation being changed in December than that of Christ and God. Like my hope is in a new place in December rather than in Christ and what he has done. I also have found that God has not answered my prayer yet and that because of that I will be stuck and he left and forgot me. It has done such a stupid thing to my view of God and I really should correct this. I want to, but I have found the lack of motivation to change it. I really want nothing more than to be entirely dependent on God, but I would have to let go of the idea that I will be getting a new place in December and have to live with the reality that I could be there for a year because that is where God wants me.
This reminds me of a song verse "Please don't ask me to let go, it's to hard to let it go." And that is where I find myself.
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