Depression

I am in one of the worst spots in my life and I don't know why. I shouldn't be I should be happy and pleased with what God has done and what he has given me, but in the end I am not. No matter what I do or say nothing seems to get better for me nothing seems to improve and life just keeps shitting on me. I have no control and I do not control anything, but am subject to whatever happens.

My life so far is living in a place I can't call home or actually be myself or express myself. Where my roommates talk to their friends about how big of a 23 year old loser I am, who is creepy and keeps to himself. I aparently am hated by them. There is always tension and always something that is akward between us. I cna't even hold a conversation with them. I am more like a stanger in their house and I don't ever feel like I am at home. I spend more time at school so I don't have to spend time here. I can't use the living room and the kitchen with out some comment or some weird look. I don't have a home and I can't be myself here. I can't. I get accused of things and yelled at for things that are not my fault since the day I got here. I can't handle coming to a place that is not safe and is a home. I can't take living in a hotel for a year or even half a year. I can't take it. I just can't.

The first week i got here I have been praying that God would provide me with a new place that by October I would know what was going to happen and that by December i would move out. Well it is the end of October and nothing has happened. God has not moved and looks like he won't move. Does he not see? Can he not hear my prayers? I know that "everything will work out", but when does life never work out. When? It always does, there is always some resolution. Yet I see God not moving and I see him not doing anything. He isn't speaking, he isn't moving and the situation I am in and the lack of his action makes me grow to hate him a little. I know that it is wrong to hate him and everyone will feel as if I am the one at fault and maybe I am, but how does that excuse God from not doing something and not speaking? I don't think it does.

Which gets me to the main point. I am here alone, out of place, depressed and angry. I hate where I am at. I have tried and am trying to fit and to make this work. I believe this is where God has called me for this time, but I am beginning to believe this less and less. I am alone and I feel so out of place. It is really hard for me to describe and it is hard for me to pin point specifics. I just don't get some people and I don't understand somethings that they do. It is like my friend said...I have outgrown my culture. I have, but what does that mean? What do I do then? I am alone I can't connect and i want to connect and I want to have good friends, but I just can't seem to conect with anyone or do anything right.

Feeling out of place and not connecting has made me feel really alone. I feel like i have to change in order for people to like me and in order to fit in and I can't fully express myself. Plus having a home in where I am unable to express myself just adds to the loneliness and me depressed.

On top of all this I am not good at school anymore. I have outgrown it too, maybe. I suck at it. I don't even know if I will pass my classes. I am failing at that. There is just all these things that add up and I am failing at all of them. People tell me to look to Christ and God, but how can I when God hasn't done anything while i have been here?

Where is his comfort? Where is his hand moving? Where are his words? Where is his love? I know God loves me, but the lack of movement is killing my belief in it. Really God loves me so much that he will just let me be stuck here? He loves me so much that he can do anything, but isn't because he love me so much? How am I suppose to view my situation how am I suppose to see it.

Positive they say positive. Well give me a couple of positive things about this situation. Oh wiat there really aren't any. There is little positive when it is compared to what is actually happening. How am I suppose to cling to the positive.

The bottom line for me is if God isn't going to move then I will. I don't care i don't want to be here and even if he has called me here, then I am not staying with these conditions. I am not staying here. I don't care if that is disobedience. If i can end my pain and sorrow and be free from it, why should I not do it? Why should I sit in it and try to make up a reason or pretend that God has a reason that I am here. If God's reason for me being here is for me to hate him...Well he sure is winning and knows what he is doing.

God says he will never leave us or forsake us, but I am pretty sure that he keeps us at arms length.

My problem is with God and him not doing anything. Him not listening and him not comforting. I try to find hope, but how can I find hope in a God who hasn't shown that he cares and that there is a reason to hope. What should my hope be in and what should my hope be for?

I hate my situation I really really hate it. God apparently doesn't care and I am here alone with no one and nothing.